Showing my true naked self to the internet

This is probably one of the first posts that I am going to appear the most naked I have ever been. I am not talking about showing my body, I am talking about emotions and personal experiences. I know most of you know me as the always smiling camgirl that is into classic rock, oldies tunes, goofing around, dancing and giggling, but there is so much more that happens in my life that despite enjoying 100% of what I do, it has made smiling a bit harder the last few days.

I don’t normally open up about my personal problems to the internet, because you know it’s not a topic that I enjoy bringing up, but sometimes you just feel so much better if you let it out. And this is what this post is for.

I grew up in a very traditional family. I had a loving father and a not so affectionate mother that had OCD and other mental problems that I was never allowed or know. My parents were very hardworking and ambitious so me and my brother spent most of our childhood days alone, and me being the oldest child, I ended up parenting him.

When we got older my mother stayed more at home with us (she was still working) and my father would be the one that would travel for work for long periods (over a year) building a business. During my high school years I wasn’t allowed to walk to places alone, even if it was going to the grocery store, I wasn’t allowed to have friends because my mother believed friends were evil and all a woman needed is to find a husband and have kids after she had a degree. I wasn’t allowed to talk to boys outside of my classroom hours and dating was just an evil evil thing, maybe even a crime. Once when I was 16 years old, I told my school driver to drop me off at my grandmothers place. My house was a 10 min walk from hers so I decided to walk home alone (middle of the day in a very safe place), and on the way I saw a male classmate of mine that happened to be walking that way too, so I decided to be friendly and chat with him (no holding hands or touching obviously). I was seen by my aunt who in turn told my mother and that resulted in a 6 months period of not being allowed to leave the house, even when my family would go out, I wasn’t allowed to go with them. I wasn’t allowed to see my grandmother. Basically I lived in a prison and had a driver that would take me to school and back  The mental abuse was the worst, even worse than the physical abuse, the name calling, how I wasn’t worth enough to do anything with my life and how the cleaning and cooking wasn’t done properly. My mother was OCD and many other things.

This lasted until I was 20 years old and one day I decided to stand up for myself and tell my mother than I was old enough to date and make my own decisions, so I introduced her to my first boyfriend. This sparked a huge argument and I was called the worse names in the book because I was dating this person and I wasn’t engaged to them or married to them. Who the fuck expects a 20 year old to be engaged or married within a few months of knowing a guy (well my mother..). After I found out this guy had cheated (on the day of my birthday), I told her we were breaking up and that I needed her to be a mother and give me support for once in her life. Not only that didn’t happen but I was denied the right to eat at the dining table with everyone else, I was denied the right to socialize with anyone except for her, but she never wanted to talk to me in the first place. I was going to university at that point and I had classed that would end at 9pm. This wasn’t an acceptable time to come home so she would always cal me “the whore” that stays out at night. Now mind you, I was a straight A student, went to a top university, never did drugs, I never even drank alcohol.

I realize I have never been this open and honest before to the internet and I also realize that the internet attracts a lot of insecure trolls that would openly judge you and feel happy for your hardship. If you are here to judge me I could care less. I am writing this because 1. it feels good to open up sometimes 2. Maybe there are other people in the world that have been abused and knowing that someone else went trough with it might make them stronger to fight back the abuse.

One night after I was hit hard enough by my mother to have my jaw dislocated, I packed my bags and left to a new place I had never been before. I had no money, a huge student debt and no job, I was on my own and I was either going to die alone or make it on my own. Well as you know I am still alive and and I managed to work hard and find a successful career which I love. I think the fear that I came from nothing, has always pushed me and motivated me to work as hard as I could.

One day, after not having any contact with my mother for years, I received a call from her saying my father was dead. I was torn apart. When he was around it was the only time that I felt like I actually had a family, and now all of a sudden he is gone. He was also the only person that would talk to me after I left home. He became my best friend and then one day all of a sudden he was gone! Forever!

It was not easy getting over my father’s death. Actually I don’t ever think I will get over it, but I just learned how to deal with it better. One week before he died, he had filmed a video saying how all he wanted for me is to be happy and to keep my head up high. And that’s what really touched me. I told myself that no matter how much I am hurting right now, I will never let this hurt keep me away from finding happiness. My fathers death was a traumatic experience, but I would say it was the first time when I felt like I was an emotional grown up. My dad taught me that you should never give up in life, no matter how bad it gets.

After he passed away I was supposed to inherit 25% of his business. I didn’t want any money so I told my mother she could keep my share too.

After years of being on my own and providing for myself, I though that it was time to try and maybe build a relationship with her again. My brother (who is also my best friend and very supportive) told me she had changed her ways and she has started dating and has been more open to human interaction (this is the woman that used to think friends were evil). I called her one day and it was a very superficial conversation, but it was better than nothing.I was never informed how much my dad’s assents were worth but she told me it was very little and she used that to buy a small house. I asked because despite not wanting any of it, I still had the right to know what she did with it, out of respect for my dead father.

My brother calls me one day and tells me that mom now lost her job and she was upset, I really wanted to go and help her, I was even ready to drop everything and drive for more than 24h to go see her. I just wanted to feel like I had a mother again. I called her and she sounded so upset and said she wanted to see me but she was very tight for money. Then my brother  told me the truth and it turned out my mom had lied to me about my dad’s estate being small and that she had bought multiple properties and businesses. I was hurt. Like I said before, I didn’t want any of it, but I thought I deserved to at least know the truth. When I asked her why she had lied she told me to stay away from her and never interfere with her life. She became highly defensive and started saying how she is not letting me anywhere close to her money and her properties. I was so confused, because all I wanted is for us to have a relationship again. I have plenty of money and she knows that too. It is sad a mother would throw away her child because they have this strange paranoia that I was after her for money. Man if that’s all I wanted I would have gotten it, but I let her keep it. Who fucking throws their child away for money.

I have finally come to terms that now I have lost both of my parents. My mother is alive and I wish her all the best and all I want for her is to be happy but this is the day I consider her no longer my family. I say this with deep pain in my heart, but when I look at her now, all I see is a stranger motivated by greed and paranoia. She has been suffering from mental illness all her life, and I know she has had to go through a lot of pain herself, but sadly I don’t think I can do much about her situation now.

Yesterday was the day I lost my mother and it hurts just as much as the day I received the phone call telling me my father is dead. I know to some people it might not be the same, but this is how it feels.

I really ask for this not to be brought up in my room. Let’s keep that a happy environment where we can all decompress after dealing with our daily, monthly or life crap. And if you ever feel alone, sad or frustrated I want you to know that I will do everything to my power to cheer you up, even though I might not even know who you are or I might not even have talked to you. I think it’s important for people to know that we aren’t alone, and even though I might not understand your problems, it always gets better.

I plan on making October a happy and cheerful month and I am already excited to be putting the past behind and start focusing on productive and things that make me happy. Camming makes me happy, and so do most of you!

My dad told me to never give up no matter how shitty it gets, and he is right: I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!

36 Comments

  1. Krendal says:

    Hey Kicka,

    I don’t have a lot to add, though you definitely have had a rough road.

    Just wanted to say thanks for sharing, I haven’t had time to visit MFC much but I still follow on twitter. 🙂

    See you around.

    1. Graham Cox says:

      Just caught up with you on cams and loved your vitality and enthusiasm and I am sure you bring a time of joy into a lot of lonely peoples lives. Good you have risen above your sad background. and not been dragged down by it. Hope your life outside of Cams is just as happy. Amazed at your body painting expertise. Continue bringing joy into peoples lives and make sure you keep some for yourself. Have great Christmas and and a for-filling life..

  2. ryan says:

    I started crying as I read this. You give so much friendship and happiness to people, you make the world a better place. You are truly a wonderful and genuine person and you have an amazingly positive attitude. I havent tuned in for a while but you have so much support and you are a very fortunate and hardworking person. You are intelligent and funny and beautiful, and positive and very charming girl. Keep kicking ass, kickaz

  3. artistisan says:

    To say I didn’t shed tears would not be accurate.. It was difficult reading what you wrote because you dug deep down into your soul for it. One of the reasons I like you so much is your dead pan honest spirit.Yes you don’t normally tell all but this was something that will allow you to move forward. Bravo Kick once again for your insight, your fortitude and your bravery for battling impossible odds to become the shining star you are…

  4. yeti98 says:

    Hi Kickaz
    I know it’s not the same thing, but, I took abuse from my wife for 10 years. Finally I could take no more and kicked her out. And to my amazementt all 4 of the kids wanted to stay with me. It was like a great wieght being lifted off.
    Stay positive, you’re a great and talented woman. Very intelligent and humourous. Things will get better.

  5. Peredechat says:

    All I can say is if I had a daughter I would be bursting with pride if she were half the woman you have become.

  6. Kicka,Thank-you so much for sharing this part of your life!
    I can relate to some of the the things to have said, With my parents. My father ruled with an iron fist. I never truly knew him as a person. When he passed away I found out so many things about him from friends of his and other extended family members. Things about him as a person I never knew. I wish me and him could have got along during our time together and where not at odds the majority of the time.
    I also want you to know that you make me happy every time I get a chance to be in your MFC room. It is a combination of your humor, artistic talents, sensuality ,playfulness. and your being a very down to earth lady. And the icing on the cake, your a natural beauty. I hope you keep “Kickingaz” on MFC for a long while! You are one of the true gems in the sea of cam models.!

  7. JamesKockenhan says:

    Wow. That’s just… wow. I can only say that I am happy when I got to meet you. You have inspired me and many other fellow MFC members with your happiness and positive attitude towards life. Things may have been bad in the past, but it doesn’t mean that they should be bad in the future. Kickaz who I know is one of the most friendliest people I have ever met (open minded, kind and so on… the list is endless.) With your power of mind you can be who the ever you want to (as you have proved!) Long live Kickaz!

  8. Anoun says:

    Hi Kicka, just wanted to say that you are special and i am also proud of you. I agree that this is not for your MFC Room cause it is a happy place for me and many others. See you there.

  9. Dennis586 says:

    Kickaz after here about your past I’m sorry it was so hard but you turned out to be such a great person you really bring so much happiness to so many people I hope you are as happy as you make others you really inspire me wish I had such a sweet person in my life that made people so happy all the time good luck in life and stay just like you are.

  10. John Black says:

    Blah blah blah what a sob story, trying to earn sympathy so u can get more tokens. Your mother is right, you ARE greedy and selfish, and you would do anything for money. You have no friends (internet creepers don’t count), no real job (scamming people with false promises of nudity on the internet doesn’t count), so what DO you have?? Your looks are average at best, a textbook “plain jane”. Here’s some REAL advice: Get off the internet, get educated and get a real job… this fantasy land of alleged happiness you’ve created in your mind just isn’t working out. Think LONG TERM!

    1. Tim Carlton says:

      dude, your a real dick, i have never seen anybody have there arm twisted by kick to tip, people have free will.,,, she looks like she is doing pretty good to me, and i think we all are greedy and selfish, that’s is why we work to make money, to get ahead this world….. you sound to me like a lonely old man that has been shot down by a person out of your league, and now, don’t like anybody,,,,,, maybe you should buy hooker and get laid, then again maybe your just a dumb fuck, rude old man with know life,,,,,, and how do you know she hasn’t looked long term

    2. ProducerGuy says:

      Dear John: (I’ve always wanted to say that)

      You suck.

    3. George says:

      FUCK YOU, JOHN.
      You are a prick !
      Kick is a wonderful person who brings fun to many people.
      Show her the respect that she deserves for being so honest with us.

  11. wulferine says:

    Kicka,
    I too have lost a parent and know the empty feeling inside. It never goes away, but it does get easier.

  12. LionHi says:

    Howdy Kickaz,

    I wish I can chat with you in person. I was hurt and cheated in the past by people who loved me dearly from family, and lovers. Sometimes we need to drop people out of our life for our peace of mind! Sometimes our friends are really leaches! Or our cheating lover is playing with our minds! And our parents can be god awful! (mine was terrible)

    BUT! Never take your family for granted! You may not care about your family now. But your mother will age rapidly and she will become a different person. Just by looking at her 8-10 years from now… you will realize that she is an old women who needs your help. She may not
    need your money but she needs your LOVE.

    If you want to prove something to your Mom and your Dad(RIP). I strongly suggest that you should visit your mom and treat her like a princess. Smoother her with kindness. Visit her in person because a telephone call is very impersonal. Don’t email her or text her. See her in person and deal with the emotions other wise she will believe that she is not worth your time. Dont ask her for anything but take care of her!

    I say the dumbest things in my life! That I really don’t mean to say because I just wanted to see them react even though I feel hurt badly. I say it when i get upset or I express it poorly in some art forms. I am sure your angry at your mother but deep down you still love her. I had pain, regret and anger built up inside of me… but I let it go by not rejecting it but confronting it. Confront your anger with happiness, respect and kindness! Sometimes fans/strangers like my self from places far far far away may drop a line to help a person around the world like you to get better!

    From your biggest fan! 😉

  13. Unwell says:

    This inspires me to be a better mother to my 2 children. Wishing you all the best Kicka x

  14. Mike Lerch says:

    Kick, That you found another reality other than the one of your mother’s creation, says it all about the human spirit. Your surreal example is a bright smile.

  15. michael lerch says:

    In light of this very personal revelation, your recent manner of celebration of Dias de Muertos can be seen in dimensions of Humor Noir and at least, as a stroke for self assertiveness and a human spirit that will not be denied. Intended or not, you have blown my mind. the surreal word is…magnificence!!

  16. spudfarmer says:

    Hi Kick,

    After reading your story, I can’t help but appreciate even more how lucky I have been to have such a supportive family. The recent sudden death of my uncle, and seeing the pain and hurt it has caused for mum and her siblings has forced a lot of things to swirl to the surface of my mind. The need to stick by and cherish the ones who are always truly there for you no matter what is so important every day, because in a blink of an eye it can all be just ripped away from you.

    The sad thoughts and having a house to myself for the better part of a week(furry friends not included) probably contributed to looking for distractions and stumbling across your room. I was amazed at how different your room felt compared to all the others, with such a warm and fun atmosphere. You have created something pretty special that you should be immensely proud of.

    Being awkwardly placed on the other side of the world, I likely won’t get to enjoy the music, fun and giggles too often, but will be sure to poke my head in when I get the chance.

    Cheers,

    Spud.

  17. Paul says:

    Throughout our lives we are told to hide our pain and our true thoughts, lest they become a burden to others. Yet it is precisely that reason why we should share, for those capable of loving us back will not view it as a burden, they will view it as an opportunity to show their value. Expressing these painful thoughts outwardly are a great step – keeping things locked inside never make them better. Hopefully you’re also talking with someone about this stuff in a manner where they can give you the feedback needed to enable you to progress on a rich and fulfilling life. If you ever do need someone to reach out to, it would be my pleasure to help. I’ve had others do the same for me and I enjoy paying it forward.

  18. taterboy22 says:

    Amazing honesty and rest assured that you cheer up many people myself included. Thank you Kick, I feel truly blessed to have found you!

  19. Twan - Nightman19 says:

    Hi Kicka,
    I could write a reply several pages long, or pour my heart out telling my own story. But maybe it’ll do to tell you that you must be one of the most amazing people I know.
    I admire your attitude to life, your courage, your sparkling personality and your intelligence.
    Thanks for sharing your story.
    Regards, Nightman19

  20. Hulkman says:

    Hey kick u r arts ever n need a hag to

  21. Hulkman says:

    U r the best moled

  22. Hulkman says:

    The best women ever

  23. Dave Fouchey says:

    Hugs Kick, sounds like many of our childhoods. Peace young lady you always make me smile, even if I am only a little Tree.

  24. Ferd Crotte says:

    Hi Kicka,

    I know this post was from several months ago, but I just now became aware of you (you might remember my alias frannie32), and just now read this heartbreaking post. I couldn’t help but reach out.

    Princess Gail, my wife, had a similar family experience. Her mother was consistently cruel, abusive physically/emotionally/spiritually, and continues to be to this very day. When her mother and father divorced, she moved out of town, kicked Gail out of the house, and she was forced to fend for herself before age 18. Among her limited choices, she made good ones. She eventually married a man who later also proved to be abusive. She divorced him when their only child was 1 year old. She was then a single mother to a very difficult autistic boy for the next 18 years. We met when both she and I had done our midlife tasks and were both in a good space. I believe she is still recovering from her various abuses. She sometimes acts like she has PTSD; she probably does.

    But like you, Gail is a very positive person. Not as outgoing as you are, but a very solid person. She is a realist and makes nothing but solid, healthy decisions. Among those are setting good boundaries from the the negative people in our lives. We have moved to another state. We are about a 9.5 hour drive from our crazy families, and that is just about right!

    Kicka, I praise you for your general positivity. I know it is genuine, but there might be an element of a mask to it, I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised. You clearly had a struggle in your younger life, but you have now created something of beauty! You are a special person, indeed.

    I will be sixty at my next birthday. I enjoy figuring out how things work. I enjoy figuring out how people think and make decisions. Lately I have been fascinated about the whole mfc thing. I am happy in my marriage. I’m not after illicit or secret romance. After I sifted through a lot of the trash on mfc, I was gratified, no, thrilled, to find your site. It restored my faith in human nature. I love the way you have created a warm and happy place, full of creative joy, full of warm conversation, with your brand of beauty and charm! You are doing a GREAT job, with this, and apparently with life in general. I’m happy for you!

    I hope the things of the past gradually fade into something that is part of you, but not defining. I hope you take good care of yourself, set appropriate boundaries from the negative forces around all of us, and that the universe blesses you with all manner of good shit!

    Peace!

  25. Hi Kickaz. Love your work on MFC unfortunately I’m only a guest there at the moment. I’ve visited you over the past few months. I watched the special affects and Geisha body paint show and thought it was amazing. Congrats on #2 but personally I think you were robbed of #1 only because the competition had to get someone else in her room to help her to win. She wouldn’t have won otherwise. I watched most of the whole thing unfold that month and some of the things the competition was doing was so ridiculous. In desperation she even had her guest model attempt to be body painted by her.

    Many hugs for your troubled childhood but if anything from looking what you have achieved it’s made you a lot stronger and achieving person. But boy if compared what being one of twelve what me and my brothers and sister’s went through growing up with a violent father your experience while bad it could ha been a lot worse. My parents came to Australia as Migrants from England as part of the “10 pound mob”. My Mum was warned by my fathers brother that he was a bad person and my Mum’s Father didn’t like him either but my mother was still determined to marry him.

    Anyway cut a very, very long story short it’s a wonder me and some of my brothers never ended up with a life in prison or something. My mother suffered ongoing violence from my father and I remember as a child of about five or six witnessing my father bash my mother. She suffered blood nose’s, busted lips, black eyes. I even remember at times about five or six as a little boy when my father was bashing my mum I would try to hit him to stop him or throw some furniture to draw his attention away from my mum and then he would start on me. My mum had a nervous breakdown and got put in a sanatorium and all us kids had to be put into children’s homes. At that time there wasn’t enough homes to house children so some of my older brothers had to go to and adult prison in Melbourne. My father told my mother out of spite he was going to make we were going to stay there.

    Your very right about one thing that the psychological and verbal abuse can be just as bad or worse and even longer lasting. Anyway enough of that. I’d have to say you are my favourite model on MFC along with that crazy Olivia chick from Oliviale and AliceBiscuit. AliceBiscuits got such a beautiful voice and English accent that’s obviously not from East End. I have a background in photography and I’m drawn and gravitate anyone who has artistic and creative flair. I remember one day on MFC you asked people to think of one word to describe your shows and there are so many beautiful words I could use to describe your work it’s hard to pick one. But if I really really had to id have to id say charismatic and I like the way on the top of your profile you put on the top of your profile “Artist” first.

    Anyway I don’t know if you ever read these posts hopefully you do except for that one nasty post from the nobhead a few posts back. Love your work looking forward to seeing you more. Cheers.

  26. Jerseygal says:

    Ur story is really impressive ,thank u for sharing it with us!i have a daughter and i wanna be her bestfriend!i wish u all the best!

  27. LightCrafter says:

    Hi Kickaz. Love your work on MFC unfortunately was guest but not anymore. I’ve visited you over the past few months. I watched the special affects and Geisha body paint show and thought it was amazing. Congrats on #2 but personally I think you were robbed of #1 only because the competition had to get someone else in her room to help her to win. She wouldn’t have won otherwise. I watched most of the whole thing unfold that month.

    Many hugs for your troubled childhood but if anything from looking what you have achieved it’s made you a lot stronger and achieving person. But boy if compared what being one of twelve what me and my brothers and sister’s went through growing up with a violent father your experience while bad it could ha been a lot worse. My parents came to Australia as Migrants from England as part of the “10 pound mob”. My Mum was warned by my fathers brother that he was a bad person and my Mum’s Father didn’t like him either but my mother was still determined to marry him.

    Anyway cut a very, very long story short it’s a wonder me and some of my brothers never ended up with a life in prison or something. My mother suffered ongoing violence from my father and I remember as a child of about five or six witnessing my father bash my mother. She suffered blood nose’s, busted lips, black eyes. I even remember at times at about five or six years old when my father was bashing my mum I would try to hit him to stop him or throw some furniture or something to draw his attention away from my mum and then he would start on me. My mum had a nervous breakdown and got put in a sanatorium and all us kids had to be put into children’s homes. At that time there wasn’t enough homes to house children so some of my older brothers had to go to and adult prison in Melbourne. My father told my mother out of spite he was going to make we were going to stay there.

    Your very right about one thing that the psychological and verbal abuse can be just as bad or worse and even longer lasting. Anyway enough of that. I’d have to say you are my favourite model on MFC along with that crazy Olivia chick from Oliviale and AliceBiscuit. AliceBiscuits got such a beautiful voice and English accent that’s obviously not from East end. I have a background in photography and I’m drawn and gravitate anyone who has artistic and creative flair. I remember one day on MFC you asked people to think of one word to describe your shows and there are so many great words I could use to describe your work it’s hard to pick one. But if I really really had to id have to id say charismatic and I like the way on the top of your profile you put on the top of your profile “Artist” first.

    1. bigozone says:

      i agree about the unfairness of that #2 rank. dat bish even removed her location block so she could take tokens from ppl she had blocked her entire time @ MFC, then after “winning” that block went right back up (bishes gonna bish).

      love the KICKAZ spirit, the world needs more people like you.

  28. Hulkman says:

    Hey kick get well see u soon

  29. ProducerGuy says:

    Words of Wisdom:

    – You can’t choose your blood family, but you can choose whom you love and support. Love those who love and accept you for who and what you are.

    – The only true assets you have in life are your health and the knowledge in your head. Everything else is out of your control. Concentrate your energies on being healthy and filling your mind with answering curious questions and your life will be full, long-lasting and enjoyable.

    – Read the book, “The Four Agreements”. This will empower you with 4 simple life-altering concepts, things that make total “yeah, I knew that” common sense but will empower you with feel-good strength no matter the situation you’re in. (Actually, you seem like a very strong-willed person as it is.)

    – I can directly relate to the dysfunction, lack of support and eventual abandonment you experienced from family. It’s painful but believe it or not it will make you a far better human-being than you can possibly imagine now. One day, should you marry and decide to raise a family those hard-won lessons will make you the best partner and parent you could ever be. I promise.

  30. Legs says:

    Reading this touched me deeply, no ones experiences in life are identical, but my teenage through young adult years had some similarities. Anyways thank you so much for sharing.

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