This is probably one of the first posts that I am going to appear the most naked I have ever been. I am not talking about showing my body, I am talking about emotions and personal experiences. I know most of you know me as the always smiling camgirl that is into classic rock, oldies tunes, goofing around, dancing and giggling, but there is so much more that happens in my life that despite enjoying 100% of what I do, it has made smiling a bit harder the last few days.
I don’t normally open up about my personal problems to the internet, because you know it’s not a topic that I enjoy bringing up, but sometimes you just feel so much better if you let it out. And this is what this post is for.
I grew up in a very traditional family. I had a loving father and a not so affectionate mother that had OCD and other mental problems that I was never allowed or know. My parents were very hardworking and ambitious so me and my brother spent most of our childhood days alone, and me being the oldest child, I ended up parenting him.
When we got older my mother stayed more at home with us (she was still working) and my father would be the one that would travel for work for long periods (over a year) building a business. During my high school years I wasn’t allowed to walk to places alone, even if it was going to the grocery store, I wasn’t allowed to have friends because my mother believed friends were evil and all a woman needed is to find a husband and have kids after she had a degree. I wasn’t allowed to talk to boys outside of my classroom hours and dating was just an evil evil thing, maybe even a crime. Once when I was 16 years old, I told my school driver to drop me off at my grandmothers place. My house was a 10 min walk from hers so I decided to walk home alone (middle of the day in a very safe place), and on the way I saw a male classmate of mine that happened to be walking that way too, so I decided to be friendly and chat with him (no holding hands or touching obviously). I was seen by my aunt who in turn told my mother and that resulted in a 6 months period of not being allowed to leave the house, even when my family would go out, I wasn’t allowed to go with them. I wasn’t allowed to see my grandmother. Basically I lived in a prison and had a driver that would take me to school and back The mental abuse was the worst, even worse than the physical abuse, the name calling, how I wasn’t worth enough to do anything with my life and how the cleaning and cooking wasn’t done properly. My mother was OCD and many other things.
This lasted until I was 20 years old and one day I decided to stand up for myself and tell my mother than I was old enough to date and make my own decisions, so I introduced her to my first boyfriend. This sparked a huge argument and I was called the worse names in the book because I was dating this person and I wasn’t engaged to them or married to them. Who the fuck expects a 20 year old to be engaged or married within a few months of knowing a guy (well my mother..). After I found out this guy had cheated (on the day of my birthday), I told her we were breaking up and that I needed her to be a mother and give me support for once in her life. Not only that didn’t happen but I was denied the right to eat at the dining table with everyone else, I was denied the right to socialize with anyone except for her, but she never wanted to talk to me in the first place. I was going to university at that point and I had classed that would end at 9pm. This wasn’t an acceptable time to come home so she would always cal me “the whore” that stays out at night. Now mind you, I was a straight A student, went to a top university, never did drugs, I never even drank alcohol.
I realize I have never been this open and honest before to the internet and I also realize that the internet attracts a lot of insecure trolls that would openly judge you and feel happy for your hardship. If you are here to judge me I could care less. I am writing this because 1. it feels good to open up sometimes 2. Maybe there are other people in the world that have been abused and knowing that someone else went trough with it might make them stronger to fight back the abuse.
One night after I was hit hard enough by my mother to have my jaw dislocated, I packed my bags and left to a new place I had never been before. I had no money, a huge student debt and no job, I was on my own and I was either going to die alone or make it on my own. Well as you know I am still alive and and I managed to work hard and find a successful career which I love. I think the fear that I came from nothing, has always pushed me and motivated me to work as hard as I could.
One day, after not having any contact with my mother for years, I received a call from her saying my father was dead. I was torn apart. When he was around it was the only time that I felt like I actually had a family, and now all of a sudden he is gone. He was also the only person that would talk to me after I left home. He became my best friend and then one day all of a sudden he was gone! Forever!
It was not easy getting over my father’s death. Actually I don’t ever think I will get over it, but I just learned how to deal with it better. One week before he died, he had filmed a video saying how all he wanted for me is to be happy and to keep my head up high. And that’s what really touched me. I told myself that no matter how much I am hurting right now, I will never let this hurt keep me away from finding happiness. My fathers death was a traumatic experience, but I would say it was the first time when I felt like I was an emotional grown up. My dad taught me that you should never give up in life, no matter how bad it gets.
After he passed away I was supposed to inherit 25% of his business. I didn’t want any money so I told my mother she could keep my share too.
After years of being on my own and providing for myself, I though that it was time to try and maybe build a relationship with her again. My brother (who is also my best friend and very supportive) told me she had changed her ways and she has started dating and has been more open to human interaction (this is the woman that used to think friends were evil). I called her one day and it was a very superficial conversation, but it was better than nothing.I was never informed how much my dad’s assents were worth but she told me it was very little and she used that to buy a small house. I asked because despite not wanting any of it, I still had the right to know what she did with it, out of respect for my dead father.
My brother calls me one day and tells me that mom now lost her job and she was upset, I really wanted to go and help her, I was even ready to drop everything and drive for more than 24h to go see her. I just wanted to feel like I had a mother again. I called her and she sounded so upset and said she wanted to see me but she was very tight for money. Then my brother told me the truth and it turned out my mom had lied to me about my dad’s estate being small and that she had bought multiple properties and businesses. I was hurt. Like I said before, I didn’t want any of it, but I thought I deserved to at least know the truth. When I asked her why she had lied she told me to stay away from her and never interfere with her life. She became highly defensive and started saying how she is not letting me anywhere close to her money and her properties. I was so confused, because all I wanted is for us to have a relationship again. I have plenty of money and she knows that too. It is sad a mother would throw away her child because they have this strange paranoia that I was after her for money. Man if that’s all I wanted I would have gotten it, but I let her keep it. Who fucking throws their child away for money.
I have finally come to terms that now I have lost both of my parents. My mother is alive and I wish her all the best and all I want for her is to be happy but this is the day I consider her no longer my family. I say this with deep pain in my heart, but when I look at her now, all I see is a stranger motivated by greed and paranoia. She has been suffering from mental illness all her life, and I know she has had to go through a lot of pain herself, but sadly I don’t think I can do much about her situation now.
Yesterday was the day I lost my mother and it hurts just as much as the day I received the phone call telling me my father is dead. I know to some people it might not be the same, but this is how it feels.
I really ask for this not to be brought up in my room. Let’s keep that a happy environment where we can all decompress after dealing with our daily, monthly or life crap. And if you ever feel alone, sad or frustrated I want you to know that I will do everything to my power to cheer you up, even though I might not even know who you are or I might not even have talked to you. I think it’s important for people to know that we aren’t alone, and even though I might not understand your problems, it always gets better.
I plan on making October a happy and cheerful month and I am already excited to be putting the past behind and start focusing on productive and things that make me happy. Camming makes me happy, and so do most of you!
My dad told me to never give up no matter how shitty it gets, and he is right: I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!