Insomnia rules my night, or maybe haunt is a better word for it. While sipping on a cup of “calming tea” I’m thinking to myself how my brain begs for unconsciousness when I need to be clear and lucid. But come the hours of early morning after a night of Camming, my brain lights up with new possibilities, new resources of disaster and danger; sometimes excitement and future plans, but my body is too tired to be productive.
I want to count sheep and relax, let all my thoughts go. But the more I count the more the sheep tell me about what possibly could go wrong tomorrow. It’s not a specific worry, just my mind runs all the chores I need to do and dwells on obsessing with ideas… Ideas that aren’t executable right now because I am in bed and I don’t feel like getting now. My body rebells and tells my brain I need to stop it! I feel tired, but not tired enough to fall asleep….
I wish I could be one of those people that roll over and doze off, but I can’t.
I lie in my bed counting the hours the sun will slowly seep back into my walls. I lay there until my neck is telling me that it’s now time to shift on my back because the muscles are too tense from looking at the computer for hours. I try to adjust. It’s a bit better but the pain will never go away. Chronic pain from previews injuries sucks. What sucks more is when it’s not just your muscles that scream but your nerves. But that is not the case right now anymore, so I’m grateful.
I’m also grateful that I have a job that gives me the flexibility to not allow my insomnia to transform me into a zombie during the daylight, although I wake up really late and wish to change that to a bit of an early schedule.
I remember the days I had a 9-5 job and it was not a fitting experience with insomnia. The fact that I had to be up at 7 am did not stop my brain from haunting my night with useless, stupid thoughts. I spent my years as a walking zombie, doing something I did not enjoy.
Now my body tries to remind my mind about my craving for rest. I’m almost done sipping my tea. I’ll start counting sheep again. Maybe this time they will stop telling me about all the useless ideas and worries and let me sleep…


  1. ibfed says:

    hi kicka i like ur story ,u r such a beautiful person,keep up the good work bye bye

  2. pat631 says:

    That is very intense. But very captivating to read. You are an amazing person.

  3. Patrick says:

    I too struggle with this. My days and nights have been upside down for years now. I hope you can find solace that you are not alone. One thing that my Doctor recommended was to turn off all the lights and all stimulus. Put on very light music or a white noise machine. It does help sometimes when I actually do it. I have no answers; I enjoy reading from your heart but this issue is tough and sad to read. May God bless you and keep you!!

  4. rough says:

    they say…when you cannot sleep, it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dream…relax dear!…”You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine, and at last, you create what you will” (Shaw)

  5. philzefair says:

    I’m one of those people who can roll over and doze off. And every time I hear someone talking about their sleepless experience I measure how lucky I am to be able to rest any time I need or want. I hope your worries will get away with time when your brain will understand that whatever scenario he comes up with is useless if the body is too tired to play it. Life is a team work for the body and mind.
    Take another cup of tea and enjoy the warmth of the rising sun. Your brain can’t win over the beauty of a serene nature.

  6. theresa says:

    Oh kic. You are soooooooo smart. You are soooooooo lucky doing what you love. My daughter is a cam girl too. She is me with different hair and she is you with different hair and body but same mind.

  7. Pat says:

    Hi Kick, try this website for background noise for sleeping:, there is white noise, pink noise, and brown noise, as in high, medium, and low pitch. The modulation can be adjusted too. Try it when all else fails. I use it when I study too. Your happiness is my concern, Pax vobiscum. Regards

  8. Library Ghost says:

    3 thousand kisses from 3 thousand miles.


  9. Hello my fellow walking zombie, i wish i had some great words of wisdom and an instant cure but alas no. Please allow me to sing you into somnus.

  10. try counting giant turtles swimming through a turquoise tropical lagoon, i find them more relaxing than sheep, all that bleeting just keeps me awake. or let me serenade you away to the palace of somnus

  11. Hyori Kim says:

    Hi Kicka, if you’re still having trouble with sleeping, I recommend Magnesium Oil that you put on topically just before you want to sleep. Ancient Minerals makes the best one. We’re all deficient in magnesium and it causes a whole host of health issues.

  12. Bmbs_away says:

    Have you tried melatonin? Exercise, melatonin, and reading a book before bed changed my world.

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