This is probably the hardest piece of writing I have ever had to do within this blog and most probably in my life. I am not sure I can really find the exact words to express myself the best I can for this, in fact I am not even sure I have even quite absorbed the situations in my head yet, but unfortunately life sometimes throws you random things that you never in a million years would have thought you had to deal with. Now I imagine it like a poker game, you have to play the cards you are dealt and sometimes some of those cards just suck. However there are times that a good player can play the weak cards and win the game. I am now trying to be that player.
I have briefly mentioned in another post that I had some health problems that made things harder in my daily life and could have impacted my performance on cam, which is something that I take great pride in. I was trying to be a bit vague because I wasn’t too happy thinking about it let alone discuss the details of the situation. Unfortunately despite my biggest hopes and trying to do proactive things like changing to a super healthy lifestyle and having access to modern medical facilities, things did not improve. Unfortunately now the only way to fix my situation is to perform a very invasive surgery. I was waiting all this time in hopes that I would have had to avoid that but it seems like my ovarian tumors have gotten much larger and they have found pre malignant cells. I never in a million years would have thought I would have had to deal with this at my age but now I know it happens and life can be completely random to anyone.
The good news is that things are not without hope and my life is not over yet, however I will have to make huge sacrifices to continue the fight. One of the biggest is to give up camming. It’s really hard for me to imagine not doing what I love anymore, however after my surgery in early May I have decided to take a break from the online world and focus on my health. I don’t know how long the break will be, it could be a few months, a year or I may not come back, however I need to do this in order to get better.
I am telling you all this because a lot of you have been really close people in my life, you have helped me through hard times sometimes without even realizing you were doing it. You have changed my life and believed in me and helped me become the person I am today. I think it would not sit well with me if I just pretended nothing happened and one day I just disappeared without telling anyone anything.
I do not want any of you to pity tip me after knowing this. I would want you to do it only and ONLY if I ever did anything to entertain you and make you smile. That would make me a lot happier than people feeling sorry for me because I refuse to feel sorry for myself.
Since this is not a topic I am happy thinking about or discussing I please ask you to keep it away from the room discussions or even emails, PMs and twitter. If I don’t reply to your messages about this please understand that it really means a lot to me you are thinking of me but writing back about it even if you sent a nice message makes me feel depressed. I want April to be filled with happy memories and I don’t want sadness to spoil any of this. I REFUSE to let this bring me down and I promise you I will fight it!
Also I realize there is a Kickaholic raffle going on till the end of May. I am changing the deadline of that to the end of April and the winner can choose to wait until I am fit to travel or can pick the alternative prize which is an oil painting.
You will be missed Kickland!