Physics was my worst subject in school so I am not here to talk about force, area and Pascals but to talk about the kind of pressure that affects even the best of us if we don’t know how to handle stress.
One of the greatest skills of successful camgirls is maintaining your cool even when things don’t go your way. It’s a business that you cannot let little or big things outside of your work affect you emotionally. You are expected to entertain and make others happy. When you are not happy you have to learn to not show it because to a viewer you are their escape and if they want to look at someone miserable most of the time they would look at their boss or someone else in their office (or their mother in law). However sometimes keeping it all together gets hard and that’s where I failed tonight. I want to clarify that what I felt tonight was not anger or disappointment in anyone but just a feeling of being lost. I really appreciate every one of you and I was touched when people still kept the room going be it with tipping, conversation and funny emotes even when I was zoning out.
Maybe the wheel of fortune was kind to me on the goof level, but wasn’t so kind on the genetics and health part, although it could have been worse; but at least I am not dealing with hairy palms right?
Jokes aside although I was not as shocked or scared as the first time, going through a second surgery took a toll on me and my ability to handle stress well. For those of you that will start talking shit about me bringing my health up again to make tokens, I am not asking anyone to pay my bills, nor have I ever made my health the point of my shows. But people will still talk shit no matter what so let them.
There is a societal expectation that the Holidays are supposed to be this amazing time where you are surrounded by your family that loves you and there’s donkeys sparkling fireworks out of their ass… Wait what? Oh and if you happen to have no family people will pity the fuck out of you and tell you how sorry they are for you.
Well… I am here alone in my bed and there are no donkeys with sparkling fireworks. I also did something really stupid and felt sorry for myself at times during the holidays because I am not one of the lucky ones that has family which got the best of me; combined with the frustration that I am still not healed completely from my last surgery I felt powerless.
I am sitting here in my bedroom on Christmas staring at my computer screen and thinking maybe what I did wasn’t stupid. Maybe it’s ok to let your emotions out sometimes and that’s why cracking under pressure is healthy because it reminds us that we need to address something in our lives that is putting a stress on our mental and physical well being. Sometimes balling your eyes out and just crying for the heck of it is ok. You need to break down and be torn apart, you need to learn how to pick yourself up and put yourself back together. Sometimes the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first. Perhaps our eyes need to be washed with sadness first so that we can see life with a clearer view ahead. And right now I feel better. I reminded myself that I can make the Holidays into whatever I wish and they don’t have to necessarily be about what others expect them to be. Fuck it, being a camgirl I can even pick a different time to celebrate the holidays. Guys we are celebrating Christmas in July now :D. Just kidding. The sadness was a reminder that maybe I am not so powerful after all. How many can say they have made thousands of people smile and you guys remind me of that with every tip (big or small), every great or silly joke and every random or crazy emote . I am grateful to have you Kickland!