Physics was my worst subject in school so I am not here to talk about force, area and Pascals but to talk about the kind of pressure that affects even the best of us if we don’t know how to handle stress.

One of the greatest skills of successful camgirls is maintaining your cool even when things don’t go your way.  It’s a business that you cannot let little or big things outside of your work affect you emotionally. You are expected to entertain and make others happy. When you are not happy you have to learn to not show it because to a viewer you are their escape and if they want to look at someone miserable most of the time they would look at their boss or someone else in their office (or their mother in law). However sometimes keeping it all together gets hard and that’s where I failed tonight. I want to clarify that what I felt tonight was not anger or disappointment in anyone but just a feeling of being lost. I really appreciate every one of you and I was touched when people still kept the room going be it with tipping, conversation and funny emotes even when I was zoning out.



Maybe the wheel of fortune was kind to me on the goof level, but wasn’t so kind on the genetics and health part, although it could have been worse; but at least I am not dealing with hairy palms right?

Jokes aside although I was not as shocked or scared as the first time, going through a second surgery took a toll on me and my ability to handle stress well. For those of you that will start talking shit about me bringing my health up again to make tokens, I am not asking anyone to pay my bills, nor have I ever made my health the point of my shows. But people will still talk shit no matter what so let them.

There is a societal expectation that the Holidays are supposed to be this amazing time where you are surrounded by your family that loves you and there’s donkeys sparkling fireworks out of their ass… Wait what?  Oh and if you happen to have no family people will pity the fuck out of you and tell you how sorry they are for you.

Well… I am here alone in my bed and there are no donkeys with sparkling fireworks. I also did something really stupid and felt sorry for myself at times during the holidays because I am not one of the lucky ones that has family which got the best of me; combined with the frustration that I am still not healed completely from my last surgery I felt powerless.

I am sitting here in my bedroom on Christmas staring at my computer screen and thinking maybe what I did wasn’t stupid. Maybe it’s ok to let your emotions out sometimes and that’s why cracking under pressure is healthy because it reminds us that we need to address something in our lives that is putting a stress on our mental and physical well being.  Sometimes balling your eyes out and just crying for the heck of it is ok. You need to break down and be torn apart, you need to learn how to pick yourself up and put yourself back together. Sometimes the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first. Perhaps our eyes need to be washed with sadness first so that we can see life with a clearer view ahead. And right now I feel better. I reminded myself that I can make the Holidays into whatever I wish and they don’t have to necessarily be about what others expect them to be. Fuck it, being a camgirl I can even pick a different time to celebrate the holidays. Guys we are celebrating Christmas in July now :D. Just kidding. The sadness was a reminder that maybe I am not so powerful after all. How many can say they have made thousands of people smile and you guys remind me of that with every tip (big or small), every great or silly joke and every random or crazy emote . I am grateful to have you Kickland!


  1. RayOfLite says:

    Christmas is a time for giving and if you have given all you can and at a loss as what is left then relax,
    take a breath and remember all the good times in your life, breath again, smile then know that you have
    given so much to so many that at times, like Christmas, is also a time for receiving. Lots of guys on mfc
    love you Kickaz and just want you happy, of course I am one of those. Smile it is Christmas:)

  2. Michael Bear says:

    Hi Ms Kicka
    Iwill get the nice stuff out of the way. Merry Christmas and wishing you an awesome 2018.
    I stumbled upon MFC a number of years ago. The first model that I saw was you. I thought wow this young lady is amazing. At the time things were ok in my world and seeing you when I had the time always made my day. Some things have changed and I can’t do the token thing. So I don’t visit often I hate being a freeloader.
    Enough of that, I just want to say the you are truly one of a kind. I mean that in a positive way. I always enjoy your shows.
    I do know the alone at Christmas thing as well.
    We all have mental health issues and talking about them is the best therapy.
    If you took the time to read this thank you.
    I hope you physical health improves. This will sound corny but I will pray for you.
    You are truly an amazing you lady, thank you for sharing yourself on MAC.
    All the best in 2018, things will improve.
    Michael aka papabearmcc

  3. slomvr says:

    You are human Kick, believe it or not. Every once and awhile we need to just let loose and wash the baggage away. You have a room full of perves that care about you, support you and understand. Unfortunately we are not there physically and have to do the best we can across the ether waves.

    BE WELL, we are always here for you.

    1. Yeti98 says:

      It’s been a while since I’ve been able to be in your room, I just get so tired at night I wouldn’t fit in. It’s getting better every day, don’t be surprised if I show myself again. Glad you “like” the flowers I’ve been sending you on Twitter, it means a lot. All this is to tell you you’re human and we all have breaking points. If you had an off-night it’s the first I’ve heard of in all the years I’ve known you. Kickland is here for you!

  4. FiremanJack says:

    We love you girl! You being human and the frailties that comes with just reminds us to take nothing for granted.
    Being a paramedic, I can tell you we see a lot of this and it usually is last night and today. It is what it is. There are lots of us right there with you babe. Perhaps we need to follow the “create a temporary community” concept of burning man and form a holiday community just for these times. hmmm
    Love you girl, we’re in it together

  5. ZVBXRPL says:

    Apparently, another one of your many talents is writing. You conveyed well the feelings that many of us have around the Holidays. In my case, the ex-wife got most of the friends in the divorce, and my son will be here for an hour or two mostly because I am a pretty damned good cook. Otherwise, I am crying with you. Last night was not about any failure on your part. Christmas eve, people have spent tons of money on gifts, and those that have families are spending time with them. But, you showed up anyway, and, even in pain, put on a show, because that is what you do. You could have punted, especially after having spent a day in bed with a fever. But, you showed up for us. Let us be there for you.

  6. Hugs Kick You’ve gone through alot this year & Kickland is here to help you in any way we can. You & Kickland sure have helped me through many rough patches making me smile & feel better! Cheers Kick Merry Christmas cya Later

  7. bozcoe says:

    you bring so much sunshine into so many lives surely your allowed a cloudy day now and then

  8. Ferd says:

    Wishing you a Merry Christmas, Kicka, and a year full of joy, peace, and good health!

  9. Gene Coderre says:

    The weight of life is as heavy as we believe it to be.
    Last night, my Christmas Eve, was very sad and emotionally disruptive. I found out my Aunt passed the morning before having just ordered my favorite breakfast. It was difficult to gather myself; recognising my powerlessness, I stayed, endured and was greatful I had. My Mom passed in March, my Dad had passed in 1998, my brother in 2003.
    I was upset when I found out that I was not invited to a close friend’s Christmas Eve party who lived around the corner from me.
    I felt on the verge of a breakdown, just heartbeats way from dissolving into tears that I wasn’t sure would end on their own. It was terrifying.
    Overnight it had snowed. I awoke to a White Christmas. Some joy entered my heart, facts had not changed my perception had. I realized that my friend had not invited me because her cousin came for the weekend… with her cat! It wouldn’t have killed me but I sure would have been more miserable physically than I felt emotiknally.

    Today, Christmas, I went to an early showing of a movie I had wanted to see, saw another after that then went to dinner at my favorite sushi bar.
    I feel better.
    I still need that, “Dark Night of the Soul” soon. I need the catharsis. it’s due.

    Bottom line, sweet Kicka?
    We are human not superhuman.
    You and I are both so used to lulling ourselves up by our boot-straps that we didn’t notice when we put on a false skin: a costume, and a madk instead of a chin-up smile.

    The reset cannot be avoided. It can however be visited with wisdom instead of self-centered fear.

    You are loved.
    Merry Christmas!
    Happy New Year, Dear One.

  10. Bob says:

    kick you are the best you can pick me up when i need it and you never know it thank you and never quit doing it the way you do!!!!!!!

  11. Frank A Groznik says:

    Kick keep being uniquely who you are. You are a breath of fresh air IN AN OTHERWISE polluted world.

  12. Stanley Farkensen says:

    i just read your christmas blog blog tonite. i don’t look at mail here often. just want to tell you i honor you honesty and courage. thank you

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