I’m so wet after trimming my bush!

bush12Lately I’ve had a weird fascination with gardening. I am not sure what really inspired that. Maybe the fact that I now live in a desert climate and the presence of greenery induces a positive feeling when I am around plants, not to mention that vegetation helps cool things off in this crazy hot summer.

I remember when I used to live in Canada in my apartment I had one plant in the corner and everyone would make fun of me because I never even bothered to get a plate for it to drain the water. What I did instead was put the small pot (without removing the plastic pot) where the plant was overgrowing into another bigger empty pot with soil from a plant that had already died (I think I may have done a blog post when I planted that). This made the plant look tilted (the sucker was tall) and would often fall on the floor making a mess with soil every time I moved anything around it. Sometimes it would be the evil fairies running around my apartment because I sure as hell wasn’t touching the plant when it would tilt, fall and leave dirt all over my floor. Those bitches never even bothered to help with the clean up or maybe send the Tooth Fairy; at least she leaves money under your pillow, but NO!

Bottom line is: I never really cared about plants… much, so this is new to me. However I never managed to kill the tilted plant and I ended up donating it to a friend when I left Canada.

Today I will be trimming bushes

I mean roses in my kitchen, because it’s too windy and dark to do that outside and after walking my dogs and not going on cam I have an uncontrollable need to do something with my time that probably will serve no purpose what’s so ever. The time happens to be exactly around midnight when most people are now tired and want to go to bed, but not me. I am sure this is not news to those that know me well. So I started doing an experiment…

The experiment:

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  • Question: Is everything in this world a potato?
  • Background Research: Hours upon hours of procrastination on youtube and google trying to get ideas on how to build a roof garden brought me to potatoes. I also now know Indians love to garden. A shit load of youtube gardening videos were done by Indians. According to investopedia, India is one of the largest producers in the world of rice and wheat.* Makes sense now but what about potatoes. I’m too lazy to google potatoes now so who cares.
  • Hypothesis: Everything in the world is either a potato or not a potato.

And for the real nerds here: Propagation of roses put in potatoes will yield to better results than propagation without potatoes.

“Da fuck are you talking about propagation and potatoes” yeah I’m fucking weird I know. I don’t know why I want to try this experiment but seems interesting enough to me to give up some my sleep or my camming night to try it. So here we are:

The materials:

-Dirt, lots of dirt! Dirt from Wal-Mart in my case, and no it was not dirt cheap :(.

-Empty pop (or soda like the weird people say it) bottles, water bottles. Anything that looks clear and can let light in.

– Pot(s): Not the one that gets you high. Just plastic containers to hold your dirt in.

– Potatoes (no comment needed here)

– Sharp cutting knife

– Some overpriced roses that you buy at Walmart that look like they may die in two days. Roses are red, violets are blue… I suck at poetry and so do you!

– Trays to hold your pot(s). Yeah we’re fancy here; pot is served on a tray.

-Water. This may not be related to this experiment but studies show that 100% of people who drink water will die.

-Cinnamon (Huh?)

-Spit (Wtf this is getting even weirder now!)

The procedure

(You are using such big words now… Procedure… who the heck calls something about potatoes and roses a procedure… what is this surgery?) Well kind of: We need a sharp knife to cut into living things like roses. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Kickaz this experiment falls under plant surgery. Think of propagation as the C-section of plants but instead of producing a baby they produce a clone of themselves. Enough chit chat, let’s see where this is going now:

  • Get the pot. Poke holes in the pot with the knife. That way the water will drain
  • Put the dirt in the pot (8 pots in my case)

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  • Cut out your plastic water bottles and don’t be an idiot like me and cut them too short. Leave the caps on.

Don't do this!

  • Open the bouquet of roses and pick one. Usually thicker ones are better (That’s what she said!). Cut below a bud and remove the leafs close to the bud. Lease some leaves up top but make  sure you cut the flower too. Slice the leaves because somewhere on the internet it says the plant has no roots yet so it doesn’t want to waste all the energy and stress itself (I bet you thought you were the only one that got stressed, did you?) in maintaining leaves, but because plants need leaves for photosynthesis you need to leave part of those fuckers.

From my extensive procrastination I later found out that I was supposed to slice the part below the bud and use a sterilized knife. Ooops! Although on a second thought I don’t get why because you are going to dip that thing in dirt anyway.

  • Spit in a cup. (OMG I was waiting for this part Kick!!!!…This is turning really weird now) Yeah you are right, this is weird but science** says that human saliva is a natural root grower… (now it makes sense why other things grow when they are dipped in saliva too 😀 ). After, you then dip the bottom of your newly cut rose into your saliva and then sprinkle it with cinnamon. The cinnamon is for people whose breath stinks so much they may end up just killing the plant.*** (Refer to bibliography for scientific source) Do this 8 times with 8 roses.
  •  Plant 4 of the above sticks, each in a pot.
  • Get a potato. (Ok, the other super weird thing… Let’s see where this is going now…) Cut a hole in the potato. Stick a rose cut in the potato (after you did the spit and cinnamon trick). Do this 4 times to 4 different plants. Plant each in a pot and label them as POT.
  • Water all your plants. Make sure you have trays underneath or you will have water jizzing everywhere from the bottom of the pot. The gas stove is just for show.
  • Get them to wear protection! Put the caps (that you cut before) on them and make sure they are tight and no air is coming through. This will create its own ecosystem and allow the plants to rot real nice for most of us trying this. I mean allow it to grow real nice.

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  • Put these babies in a place that gets some sun but not direct sun. In my case it is 3:30 am and I do not live in the north pole to have sunlight at this time. Although the polar night ironically happens in the same month as I am conducting this experiment. Either way… I don’t have to worry about this until tomorrow. That’s if my plants haven’t died yet till then.
  • Clean up your mess! Normally if I wasn’t writing a blog I would not complete the step portrayed in the second picture, but because I know at least 1000 people will see this article (you wish Kickaz! you ain’t that popular) I want you to think that I clean up after myself when I really live like a slob most of the time… Ok fine, all the time 😦
  • Wait until your roses bloom and compare the results of the POT pots and the regular pots.
  • Arrange the remaning flowers in a vase and watch them die.

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Results

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Bibliography

(I tried to cite in APA format but it has been over a decade since I last wrote a scientific paper so fuck this. Also everyone loves stars so yeah  (stars***)

*Top Agricultural Producing Countries

CFA Simpson – https://www.investopedia.com/financial-edge/0712/top-agricultural-producing-countries.aspx

** Endless hours of procrastination on the internet say that saliva is a natural root grower. I am too lazy to give you sources.

*** I’m just fucking with you! According to science cinnamon is another natural root grower. Source: I’m too lazy to find it.

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3 Comments

  1. Emmett Bratt says:

    Who would have thought, Kick looking to make roots grow . To make things easier, just lay your bag of dirt flat on the patio/roof, make a few small punctures on the bottom for drainage. Cut small x’s on the top to plant throught. Wha la, no mess and after e erything dies you just put bag and all in the bin. Inner city gardeners use this method for vegtable gardens on their patios.

    Your method is much more fun if you have someone to help you shower the dirt off after.

  2. Emmett Bratt says:

    Here is a link:
    dengarden.com/gardening/How-To-Make-A-Quick-And-Easy-Vegetable-or-Flower-Garden

  3. Top Cat says:

    Evidence that you can be entertaining in multiple formats. Regards, Not A Potato.

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